Defaulting to Positive

On my current trip to Indonesia, Emily posed an interesting question which was whether or not when you thought, you thought in complete sentences with an active internal monologue or you just experienced things in the world without generating words to describe them. I think it is an interesting question — kind of like a more sophisticated and refined version of the elementary school yard question “how do I know that what you call ‘blue’ is the same as what I call ‘blue’”? It’s actually a challenging question to answer because it’s not something you typically come into awareness about. As a result, in trying to become aware of what you do, you wonder if you have captured what you do accurately when you are not actively observing. Similar to the classic double slit experiment in physics, you wonder if in your observation you have collapsed the wave function.

I think I do form sentences in my mind, well…fragments anyways. I speak pretty much the same way that I write. And I think pretty much the same way that I talk. In fragments that don’t always connect. A stream of consciousness but definitely in words. It was an interesting realization for me to internalize that not everyone did that. It seems like a strangely intimate detail that you wouldn’t ever really know about someone — a magnitude of depth more intimate than “does this person routinely dream and remember their dreams and what do they dream about?”

Anyways, I learned through Touchy Feely that vocalizing my stream of conscious is known as being an “external processor” — I process experiences by talking them out with other people, sometimes to get their perspectives but often just to make sense of it and reach a deeper understanding of it for and by myself. In coding, people sometimes joke about “rubber ducky” bug squashing, which is when you try to explain your problem to an inanimate object like a rubber ducky and through that process of explaining to the rubber ducky, often what you are doing wrong becomes clear.

My external processing has gotten me into trouble on a number of occasions. Most recently when I jokingly referred to music in a hotel rooftop restaurant as elevator music. I instantly wanted to swallow my words when my friend (very offended) informed me that it was soft jazz and that was what she listened to when she was just relaxing and hanging out by herself. I wanted to dissolve into a puddle and roll around in it until my face was hidden under a thick layer of mud — uncultured swine!

In these moments, I find that this is probably why many women develop a “people pleasing” approach to the world of never saying anything negative about anything. Obviously, this (when taken to extremes) isn’t great either because then people never know how you really feel about something which erodes trust — how can you know if something is really good if someone is undiscerning in their taste? You also don’t set great boundaries this way because you just get steam rolled over. I understand why women get to be this way though. It saves you from unfortunate and awkward situations like the one I found myself in! So, as with many things in life, it’s really a value set question. Do you value preserving social harmony over expressing your beliefs fully / being understood? Is it worth telling someone something that may hurt their feelings if it is true?

My thought on this is that you should tell people the truth if possible and try to deliver feedback with positive intentions. If the purpose of your feedback is malicious and your intent is to hurt, probably re-evaluate whether or not your are providing that feedback to satisfy some spite you have or genuinely to help the other person. I find that often the things that irritate us the most in others are the things that irritate us the most about ourselves or remind us of some way we have been slighted in the past. Thus, the other person is really just a foil for ourselves. This line of reasoning can also help you develop equanimity and peace in the face of critical feedback from other people. I try to find the pieces of things that I can change or improve on and leave the hurtful or spiteful. I’ve found this to be a healthier way to approach receiving negative feedback.

When I was young, I wanted rules and frameworks for everything. I find that that does not accurately capture the complexity of human experience and all scenarios. Ultimately, there is no silver bullet and all of these questions are about values and degrees to which you value something within a certain context. I find that generally setting your intentions in the right direction, even if you might not use the right words is more important than trying to get all the words right. Being human and genuine trumps the best crafted scripts. People who love and care for you will understand your intent through your fumbling for words. And hopefully over time you also get better at articulating your inner most thoughts in a respectful and communicative way.

The internal workings of another person’s mind, with as much complexity and as many contradictions as your own, is never truly knowable. Through language, we are able to make a feeble and clumsy attempt at communion to transmit a fraction of those emotions, feelings, and thoughts to someone else. Define your intent and set that in a direction of loving kindness toward the other person.

Filling the holes of your EMPTY COLD HEART.